A Procrastinator’s Musings

I swear that this is a real Craigslist post:

Knock knock

Oh hi, how’s it going? It’s me! Every girl ever. I’m really looking forward to this date. I’m not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let’s start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment. You’ll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There’s my decorative birdcage over there even though I don’t have a bird, and there’s my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don’t know what the hell that’s thing’s all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn’t it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That’s “Freddy Paws Jr.” Why don’t you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he’ll do that. Hey, let’s check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we’re really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we’re holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That’s to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don’t talk to any of these girls anymore because now they’re all bitches.

Let’s go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I’m going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don’t you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It’s like you’re sitting in a hug! Be right back…

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don’t know what the hell I was doing in there. Let’s go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I’m totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you’re a really good guy because that’s what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don’t need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I’ll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He’s a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let’s talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can’t believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don’t need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It’ll be great, it will be just like how we’re drinking here, only it will be louder and we’ll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn’t this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It’s a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let’s go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine’s so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I’m back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we’re going to do it again sometime! Maybe I’ll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that’s as empty as my soul. Good night!

The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Statistics

This article is bloody brilliant! (And freaking hilarious!)

Here’s the list (of bullshit statistics), although I highly recommend reading the article for the highly entertaining descriptions…

#6. You Accidentally Swallow About 8 Spiders a Year

#5. You Only Use 10% of Your Brain

#4. Men Think About Sex Every Seven Seconds

#3. Spousal Abuse Skyrockets on Super Bowl Sunday

#2. You Must Wait 30 Minutes After Eating Before Swimming

#1. Christmas Causes Suicide

Who thought peeing could be so much fun?

Super Pii Pii Brothers for the Nintendo Wii

Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor.

He has served in the Senate since 1962, longer than all but Senator Byrd. Over the past few decades, he’s been the Democrats’ champion of civil rights and other significant issues. He endorsed Barack Obama for president before Super Tuesday this past February. While he’s definitely got a fight ahead of him, Ted will always be respected as one of the finest Democrats to have served our nation.

McCain on Saturday Night Live. Watch both clips. He’s a funny guy.

Watch this Saturday Night Live skit of Hillary Clinton.

This is a really good article about how Obama’s new brand of fundraising has been critical to his success in the Democratic primary.

The terror tax is the reason I hate the PATRIOT Act and similar legislation so much.

I know it’s old but this is just the best picture of McCain ever.

If you have any interest in the future of technology whatsoever, then this demo of Microsoft TouchWall is amazing!

The feminist icon of our day.

This sort of ignorance is exactly what kills me about this nation.

That’s probably the most uncreative title I’ll ever use for a blog post. On the other hand, I’m going to try to make this a more regular thing: posting the best of the hundreds of blog posts and news stories I browse/read every day.

Read a Letter to a Young Procrastinator from someone who’s mastered slacking off in real life.

Racism is not dead in America.

There’s not many things funnier than a dog paired with a ball. This one has a twist.

Okay so those weren’t the “best” stories of the day. But they were the ones that caught my eye.

This pretty much sums up our sad, sad existence.

Social Networking Wars